GTaH - been there ,done that

Pt II of guilt takes a holiday.

As well as info from the last post re: family in care facilities, I have this to add.
I reported my feelings about an analogy for care givers i.e. we are all treading water. 

Here is the story that followed. Two years after my Mom joined the floor ( secure dementia unit ) another resident, also Canadian - Japanese arrived. The daughter " K " came twice or so a week and stayed for two or three hours. Moi, I would blow in say hello / tidy the room / wait for the same topic to come up three times and go. Talk about guilt w/ a capital G. 

 However, my first 2 weeks as a caregiver had taught me valuable lessons. a) my patience w/ my Mom could be measured in  teaspoons  b) I wasn't qualified or ready to deal w/ her immediate mental or social environment.

K and I had swapped phone #s and often met or talked, catch as catch can. It seemed to me about three years ago, I was seeing K less and less. I attributed the lessening of contact as my fault. You know 15 minute visits, in and out like vapour.

Well I did get a call from K.  " Are you still  visiting your Mom ? " she asked.  Then in a trembling voice she said " How can you do it and you've been going for 5 years. I can't stand it anymore " Bingo - bango, we are all treading water.

I mentioned shorter visits ala Moi and taking the long view - but the damage was done.  Her commute to TLC was longer so shorter visits seemed wasteful. 

Apparently, the staff at TLC sees the result of the angst of care givers in short tempers and frustration directed at the resident.
In the first two weeks for Mom, I was helping to get  Mom ready for dinner, you know lets head down to the dining room. Oops, she didn't want to go - son's attitude goes ballistic - but a PSW ( personal service worker )  stepped right in , cajoled and firmly got Mom down the hall.  

OK lesson learned, the PSW " know " how to do things. therfore, I tidy her room / hang clothes / check for personal supplies chit chat for ten minutes ( or less ) and slide....
Guilt, you bet. Frustration, No.

However, you should know M sees me come in the door and asks " Was this a 1 or 2 martini visit ? "

Reminds me of the Cole Porter song " Two Little Babes in the Woods " w/  the lyrics " they have learned that the fountain of youth, is a mixture of gin and vermouth " Touche, touche.

Oh, only slightly guilty feeling aujourdhui.